Doing interviews, feeding kids, and writing workouts. Oh yeah and I didn’t even have time to get dressed yet. I can’t tell you how many days this is the way it’s going down. Not pretty.
No shame.
Feeling like a bad Mom
Today seems to be one of those days that I care more about my house being cleaned then I do my children having fun. I know this attitude is one that will get me into that special place in Hell for Mom’s who got their priorities all screwed up, but I’ll own it. I’m not sure if it’s the fact that it‘s the end of the week and I’m gearing up for the new week that my patience are not only thin they are translucent.
It took me til 11 am to get out of my nightgown and I woke up at 7. Breakfasts were made, homework was completed, laundry was done and so am I. Brody my five year old almost got her arm snatched off by me just for crumbling a wax birthday candle that was shedding on the floor. Reece endured a lecture about not putting enough effort into finding a lost library book that you would have thought she skinned the neighbors cat. These are the days that I feel like I have lost the plot. That my desire for there to be order and for me to do nothing was greater than everything else. I don’t feel like figuring out something productive for them to do.
The thought of what’s for dinner has me looking at how far of a leap it is over the balcony. A small voice inside of me is reminding me to snuggle them up and how quick time is flying, but I don’t care. I don’t want more contact. I am having a Calgon take me away, not only moment, twelve hours (the waking one’s). The never ending of the list is what can put me against the ropes. Another meal, another round of cleaning up, another test, week, practice or birthday party. There are just the moments I want to pull out of the spin cycle and stop. They don’t come that frequently but when they do I dive right in. I‘m not even trying to talk myself out of it, no, I’m bathing in it. I’m having more fun on my computer writing then living the life I’m always promoting. Oh yeah, it probably doesn’t help that I’m about 12 hours away from receiving my monthly crazy woman.
You know what’s so great? It’s OK.
I have learned that even when we have everything, and the children are healthy, and life is wonderful that some days we may just feel this way. My poor kids probably get the brunt of it since they are the smallest humans in the house, well, that and they deserve it. I don’t want to be afraid of being off my game. I just want to power through it and try not to cause too much damage along the way. Perfect is out the window, and human is sitting on my couch.
Tomorrow will be no different and yet I will somehow see the sun shining and hear the birds chirping. Funny how that is. I pray my girls will have a short memory about Mommy’s flaws, and I always remember to stay away from the mirror when I’m in this state. Well, unless of course it’s to look at myself and get a belly laugh at how ridiculous I’m being. Then it’s OK.
Here are to the good days, the great days, the crazy days, the bad days, the funny days, the flowing days, the no rhythm days, the hard days,and to remembering that all of these put together truly is what makes up our lives.
Wishing you chocolate and solitude. Oh wait that’s for me.
Gabby
Another one down.
Just had another birthday. One of my daughters wasn’t feeling well, we just moved, and the day before we threw a party for my youngest so I was satisfied with hanging out at home. As in great Laird fashion he manages to still make it easy on me, but finding the way to shine a special light my way. I won’t lie I don’t need hoopla, but I am never offended when I get to feel special. It’s nice for all of us and important from time to time.
He organized to have a lovely dinner cooked at home with my close friends on Island, and we simply gathered. I feel honored to have so many good friends here and around the planet. The true way one measures their richness is by the depths of their relationships. The girls were happy for any opportunity for cupcakes and yes, flour-less chocolate cake for me.
I’m celebrating my special day, but more importantly every day.
My New Year’s Resolution
Here we go, again. These past few months I have been really edgy and not sleeping well. I have been trying to somehow fix what I want different in my life when I should be sleeping. That’s productive; it’s like having a fist fight with yourself.
I realize that so much of life is about timing and faith. Why am I spending so much energy pounding that square peg in the round whole? I’m thinking about work and my parenting skills. The constant worry of if I am doing it the right way with my kids. Especially since one of them has been going through a “phase” a little too long. Work has been touch and go and I break it all down and mull it over and over with no change.
So, as you can imagine my New Year’s Resolution is to live more by that faith and leave the worry at the foot of the bed. Isolate the worry to the waking hours and get that restorative sleep that helps me function at a higher level to deal with everything as it is.
My mini resolution is to minimize the time I spend on the computer and on line. I start to realize what a genuine time suck it is and before I know it I am reading about other people’s lives instead of LIVING mine. I think all of that stuff thrown at us is not NEWS but just a constant barrage of nothing. At the root of everything I do I want to know where HUMANITY plays a part. I watched the HUMAN EXPERIENCE which is a film that talks about HUMANITY. I want to shut off my electronics and fear and live more in my HUMANITY.
Happy New Year, Gabby