In typical fashion I can write down, inspire, list out and even instruct people how to take better care of themselves. I’m even willing to write books and give you all kinds of anecdotal examples on how to look at things differently. You know “can’t that laundry wait til the morning to get folded? Get our there and do something fun or healthy for you.” Truth be told I have been walking around for the past six weeks (at least that I can remember) with my jaw clenched in a vice grip. I won’t even tell you how big of a twist my panties have been in.
If you asked me what was the specific reason or reasons I don’t think I could really declare anything unusual. I do feel that there is a lot going on in the world, and being a part of the planet I’m sure I am sensitive to it, but I have taken my up-tightness to a whole new level. Believe me I can fake it a bit, but Laird keeps circling around me and asking me if everything is all right. The eyes right? They always give us away.
Here’s one for you; I was at an Oprah chat/appearance at the Los Angeles Convention Center and she started talking about living, breathing and being in God and granted it is that time of the month, but I started to feel and get emotional. I knew that I was reacting to the things that I felt I had to get done like a soldier on a mission vs. a human enjoying and choosing the process. What she was saying was only accentuating that I was not feeling or being the way that I want to choose to be.
I love my children dearly, but it’s almost as if I have been dreading being around them lately. For one they know me and like all parents I am so transparent to them. I didn’t want to reveal this weakness, and quite frankly I just don’t feel at the top of my game to deal with them and all of their energy. Good Lord all of their energy!
So I woke up today and wrote a love letter to my husband. Apologizing for being at all difficult to live with, and stated that I would take this day on as a day of change. Of course I know that change is not going to happen to me, but by me.
Life truly has it’s ups and downs and I know this is where we grow and learn. Plus, I don’t want to get stuck in my fears or crap, and want to find a way to genuinely move through it. Not fake it. I’m a great faker, but that’s the kind of dangerous stress that is the worst poison for us.
Fine, I’ll own it and see if I can work on doing it better. I also think it’s totally OK to get help to acquire the skills to navigate better. I know I don’t have all of the techniques down so jokingly, but actually seriously I have decided I want to start meditating. I can see my inability to quiet my mind is getting the best of me, and now I need to learn a new skill set. I have something going on that veggies and the gym won’t fix 100%.
I know in my heart that the most important things for me in life are all OK, so I will wrangle my cuckoo voices to the ground and get back to reacting out of my better self. No matter what, it is fine to feel whatever you feel, but if it’s not helping you then get rid of it. Don’t stuff it, own it, let it out, work on it, and then keep on going.
I just wanted you to know I am right there with you, and that even though I don’t enjoy going through these times because I think they are frivolous (see the mentality) I know it’s part of being HUMAN.