I tend to be a person who thinks I have it all so together, and even the uncanny ability to conceal when I’m secretly flipping out. Low and behold my husband Laird walked in the other day and said “I hope you can find whatever it is that you need to make you (as he gestures with a big circular motion towards me) happy”. I took such offense and started listing out all the ways I was fine, and realized maybe it was better to just listen. I injected that I went out of my way to be consistently nice towards him, how many details there are in a day I deal with blah blah blah. Something hit me and I heard what he was saying.
He then went on to say that “yea even though you think it’s all buttoned up inside I can see it, and you go a thousand miles away”.
I jumped out of myself and recognized that I had been carrying a real edge. A reaction that had the same impact on those around me regardless if I took it out directly on them or not.
The push and pull that I feel as a woman, mother, wife, and human being can be so confusing and quite frankly punishing at times. I want to be busy and jump on airplanes to grasp at the person that I want to be, and the thought of leaving my children puts knots in my stomach. I have days where if I have to say brush your teeth or do your homework one more time I’m going to grab a bottle of JD. However, even just two days away (even when it’s good for work or good for the family) seems unnatural to me.
Don’t even get me started on boredom and fear; two things that I wrestle with daily. Are the kids going to be OK? Will they know how to function like good citizens and be happy? Is this all that life is about? What’s for dinner? No wonder it can be challenging for women to feel super sexual and vavavoom when most days we feel like we are barely getting it all done and surviving that.
There is no simple answer and this feeling can be like the Seasons; normal for it to ebb and flow. I will say that I took a long walk with the girls, released my list for a moment, and smiled freely in the direction of my husband. Just that, made me feel different; made me feel better. As Laird has reminded me over and again that worry does no good and faith that things will be OK is a healthy thing to surrender too. I can’t fix it all, and I reluctantly am reckoning with the fact that I am NOT in charge.
Keep your sense of humor and remember you are not alone.